Feature article


CLAP ON: Geriatric Joe asks for The Clapper to activate nuke arsenal instead of nuclear codes.

Making preparations and accommodations for the new administration are now underway. For an elderly president in cognitive decline, getting out of bed, let alone entering a series of numbers can be an arduous task. That's where The Clapper comes in. Geriatric Joe began pleading with his transition team to modify the nuclear football to be 'Clapper-ready' by January 20th. However, presumptive president-elect Biden’s nurse Jill Biden, expressed concern that Joe frequently claps while watching reruns of the Lawrence Welk Show. A saxophone solo might trigger nuclear war!

The whole idea of controlling the nuclear football by claps was ultimately scrapped after a conference call with retired General Colin Powell (RINO). Powell advised Joe that The Clapper is intended to be used to control lights -- not nuclear weapons. Geriatric Joe barked back by saying “If you can’t figure out whether you can trust me with the nuclear football or not, then you ain’t black”. Powell told Biden to blow it out his ass and hung up.



Joanne is an aspiring model, but she'll settle for doing this job for now. We're not gonna lie. She's not the greatest journalist. We hired Joanne because she's hot and we could always use some eye candy around the office.